More Faithful

I remember the day so clearly, like a movie I've seen a hundred times. 
If I concentrate, I can walk through it again in my mind.
The weather is warm, and sunny.  Not a cloud in the sky. 
Though I am not enjoying the sunshine; I am inside.  Waiting. 

I spent the night before sleeping in a window sill.  Trying to sleep.  Both of my parents were snoring, and although I desperately wanted it to, my personal cd player would not drown them out.

When the doctor walked into the room, the 3 of us were ready for some answers and a new plan of action.  My dad had been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma two years earlier, and each time he had surgery and "got it all" it had resurfaced in another area of his body.  This year he'd had it removed from his lymph nodes under his arm.  We thought they got it all this time, but then his mood changed and the doctors thought it was worth further investigation.

"Brain tumors," the doctor said. Five of them.  Non-operable. "There's nothing we can do."

This wasn't the news we expected.



Truth be told, I don't remember much about my parents' reactions. 
I do remember feeling that I needed to give them some space to react to this news together, without worrying about me.

As I walked into the hallway, I felt so numb.


I stepped into the day room next door and fumbled through my cd case. 
Music has always been my coping skill of choice - listening, playing, singing - it was what I knew.
I don't know why, but I didn't want to hear a song I knew and loved...
I think I was afraid of tarnishing it with the memory of what had been said, fear of what may be around the bend.

So, I put a random disc in my cd player, one a friend had given me that I hadn't bothered listening to before.
I hit shuffle and took off walking, aimlessly at first, out of the hospital.

As I stepped into the sunlight, for the first time I heard these words:

All the things my feet thought to be firm are falling with urgency,
tearing back my false sense of security.
Some say things change, nothing stays the same,
but this sweetness in my ears - safe in your arms, say the words I long to hear:

You have been more faithful than the morning sun.
You have been more faithful than knowing night will come.
You have been more faithful than the changing of seasons.

At this point, I began to cry, remembering all of the times God had been faithful to me.
Not faithful as in protecting me from all harm and not letting anything bad ever happen, no, but in always staying by my side, seeing me through, providing for me, saving me from my sins - from myself.  I couldn't think of one time that God let me down, that was true.  Could God be faithful to me, to my family, through this diagnosis?  The song played on...

All the things I thought that I used to know are falling down again.
Our disillusionment is how we grow.
Some say things change, nothing stays the same
in a world of inconsistency, everything's a lie.
What could cause my heart to believe?
You have been more faithful than the morning sun.
You have been more faithful than knowing night will come.
You have been more faithful than the changing of seasons.

After hearing that song, I walked back to my Dad's hospital room with stubborn determination that everything had to be okay, no matter how it felt or seemed to me at that time. 

In retrospect, this began a deeper understanding and internalization for me of patience and perseverance in the face of trials and adversity... and this song is just as true and dear to me today as it was the very first time I heard it.

Holy Thursday: Thoughts on John 13

John 13:1-17  -  Jesus Washes His Disciples’ Feet

      It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.
     The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus.  Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
     Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
“No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”
     Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”
“Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”
     Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.
     When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them.  “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am.  Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet.  I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.  Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.  Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. 

Bob Goff says, "My view of love is small. If I were going to die tomorrow, I wouldn't go to dinner with someone who would betray me."  This really spoke to me today as I was reading this passage because Bob Goff is right - most of us, if we knew we were going to die tomorrow due to a close friend and confidant's betrayal, would not choose to eat dinner with them tonight.  In verse 1, John says, "Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love."  Funny.  Instead of harboring hurt feelings and justifiably feeling betrayed, Jesus took this opportunity to show his disciples how much he loved them.

His ways are not my ways.

"The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus..." (verse 2)

What was going to happen had already been set into motion. 

Jesus had "the right" to feel betrayed, hurt, and angry.  Interestingly, we aren't told how Jesus felt, we are only told how he acted.  
"Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him."

There's something amazing that happens in the life of a person fully surrendered to the will of God, who knows who they are, what their purpose is, and keeps the end goal in mind.

Jesus knew his position.  He knew who he was created to be, where he came from, and where he was going. He understood the task ahead of him - Jesus had a firm grasp on reality, and he took on the role of a servant to teach his disciples, instead of focusing on his own personal rights.

How many times do I allow my feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger to justify my negative attitude and behavior toward others?  It doesn't take much, just a drive down the road.  Someone cuts me off in traffic and that "justified anger" shows up.
Jesus set a better example for us and said, "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet.  I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you."

Philippians 4:4 says,
"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him!
Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!"

As we celebrate God today and remember Jesus' actions on this day, all those years ago, I am remembering his selfless sacrifice that started that night in the upper room, when he chose to show them the full extent of his love - by serving them and by actively loving his betrayer unto the end.  Today I pray for God to create this same love in my heart, so that I can bless Him and bless others the way Jesus has blessed me.

a book about prayer for people who don't read books about prayer

"Many of the folks in my church were raised in a variety of church settings--Baptist, Catholic, Nondenominational, Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran--but found themselves at a place, like me, where their prayer lives were floundering.

Strangely enough, their staggering toward prayer has been because they are people of profound truth. In other words, they haven't struggled because they've become less interested in God or less desirous of following Jesus, but the opposite. They continue experiencing God in various ways, but the only framework for prayer that they've known has been loaded with vacant banter and trite expressions. This collided with the core of who they are. To be people of integrity, many of them felt they had two options: one, pray to God with the same familiar rehearsed lines and old clichés; or two, don't pray at all. From one angle, you could say their "lack" of a prayer life has been noble. In this book, I will show that all they needed was for someone to come along and brick the roads they were already traveling. And, in the process, we will rediscover a means of interacting with God that is truthful, live-giving, and holistic."

- Kyle Lake, in his book (RE)Understanding Prayer, A Fresh Approach to Conversation with God

This is from the introduction of the book I just started today, per Matt's recommendation. I love what Kyle says here about how sometimes people who are struggling with understanding prayer or feeling like they have an "authentic" prayer life are not doing so out of blatant opposition or lack of interest in God, but often times what they have been taught about prayer feels awkward and contrived, and while they experience God in real and powerful ways in other areas of their lives, "prayer" seems to allude them.

I remember being in a fifth-grade girls Bible class in Sunday school when I was growing up and the teacher's objective for the class was to teach us girls the proper way to pray. God bless her soul for her effort - she had a heart to help us - but what came out of it, at least for me, was a legalistic view of right and wrong prayer which still haunts me to this day.

While now I can recognize that I don't need a thorough grasp of King James English to talk to God, and that God is closer than the air I breathe and knows my needs before I can even express them, I still struggle with talking to him in a real and relatable way. In the back of my mind, I sometimes fear that by being forthright and honest, I may be approaching him too casually and that childhood fear of God smiting me dead or turning me into a pillar of salt for my disrespect still gets the best of me occasionally.

Like Kyle mentions in his book, this fear and lack of understanding of what a thriving prayer life could look like has, at times, manifested itself in a total lack of prayer in my life. As he suggests, one view of this approach could be that it was noble to not pray at all than to pray in ways that feel fake - more than anything, I want to be real and genuine with God, not putting on airs. On the other hand, a lack of prayer life has, at best, left me feeling guilty and, at worst, left me ill-equipped and wide open for temptation and sin.

During our Beth Moore bible study the other night ("Living Beyond Yourself") Beth mentioned what she feels are important parts of her prayer life - Pouring Out: Confessing Sins and all anxieties, worries, fears, frustrations to God; Pouring In: God filling us with his truth and the Holy Spirit; and Pouring Through: living a life in the Spirit, sharing the "fruit" with others. I loved this lesson so much, because I finally caught sight of what has been missing for me. Sure, I pour myself out to God - I share everything with Him... I know how to do that much. My problem is that I've been stopping there. I knew there was more to it, but when people say that they sit and wait for God and listen to Him - I just have not understood that, at ALL. Once I could put my finger on that, though - I knew where to focus my attention.

So this is where I am today, reading a book about prayer "for people who don't read books about prayer" because I finally broke down and told my husband: "Look - I don't get prayer. I try. I want to... but I keep coming up short, and I need some direction." Because I'm tired of pouring myself out, and not being filled back up again. Because I'm tired of knowing that the God of the universe wants to have a real and powerful relationship with me, but not having the tools to break through to the next level. Because I love God, and I want to know him more.

Seasons

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot..."  Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

Lately I have been thinking a lot about seasons.  Nature, life, relationships - they all have seasons, a natural order of things.  Each season brings with it preparation for what is to come, and reminders of what has been.

In nature, the current season is Autumn here in the United States.  That brings cooler weather, bright colored leaves falling to the ground, pumpkins and harvest parties and apple cider, football, Thanksgiving, and preparation for winter.

In life, I guess my current season is somewhere around Spring - possibly summer, although I feel like I'm not quite there yet... I am young but I am growing and maturing and growing roots deep into the foundations that my parents and mentors have given to me.

In my relationship with God, however, I am in an interesting season now, or so it seems to me.  This seems to be a season of tearing down, of throwing out, of uprooting things that have grown in places they should not be.  A season of purification, correction, and discipline.... a season of preparation.

Sunday started the season of Advent, or the joyful preparation and expectation of the arrival of Christ - both in his birth those many years ago, and in his triumphant return.  Each new year that I celebrate Advent, it is dearer and more special to me.  This year, I find it touching that while I am in a season of preparation and purification, the time has come for the church to begin a season of joyful preparation as well.  It feels personal this year.

I was reading in Leviticus about the scape goat sacrifice.  Have you read about that before?  I feel as if I had, but for some reason, it never hit home for me like it did recently.

Leviticus 16:20-22 “When Aaron has finished making atonement for the Most Holy Place, the tent of meeting and the altar, he shall bring forward the live goat. He is to lay both hands on the head of the live goat and confess over it all the wickedness and rebellion of the Israelites—all their sins—and put them on the goat’s head. He shall send the goat away into the wilderness in the care of someone appointed for the task. The goat will carry on itself all their sins to a remote place; and the man shall release it in the wilderness."

In a devotional I was reading, it said to imagine being Aaron and having a live goat in front of you - the devotional suggested that, if you had a pet, to place your hands on the pet in the same way Aaron was instructed by God, and to "confess to God your acts of rebellion, your bad attitudes, and your harsh thoughts about others." and to try and experience the feeling of transferring your sins to this animal.
Now, this isn't the way that things work today - we know this - but the devotional was trying to get me to grasp the gravity of this action - and I got it.

I was sitting next to my sweet Daphne, and I couldn't do it - I couldn't imagine transferring my sins to her, because she didn't do anything wrong.  She was not responsible - I was.  I tried to conceptualize being in that place with Aaron and transferring sins to a goat, but I couldn't do that either.  That goat was innocent, too.  The thought brought tears to my eyes.  The scape goat wasn't even killed.  It was led off into the wilderness and set free.  But my scape goat - he was killed.  He died a terrible, painful, humiliating death for sins that he did not commit.  When I think about that - that the son of God, the creator of the Universe - took my sin and my shame and my humiliation and died for me?  I love him more... and I love me less... and I know how much I need him, and how much his sacrifice means for me.

May you grasp the depth of his love for you during this season of your life and in this season of Advent.


♥

so long, insecurity?

Beth Moore's new book, So Long, Insecurity - You've Been a Bad Friend to Us has been quite popular in the blogosphere and among my friends, online and in real life.  Have you read it?

Tonight was the first night of a new book group I've joined with some friends from church and we are discussing this book.  I'll admit that, based on the title, I haven't been expecting much.  To be fair, I should say that I don't usually consider myself to be insecure.  Sensitive, yes, and empathic, but insecure?  No way! However, I do appreciate Beth Moore and a good book discussion, so I've been willing to go along for the ride.

You can imagine my surprise tonight when our discussion hit home with me.  Beth mentioned (in her book, of course, she wasn't there in the flesh!) that insecurity could present itself in times when our relationship becomes unbalanced with our spouses - when we're seeking fulfillment and completion from them instead of from ourselves and from God, and also, how we can sometimes become so full of self doubt and insecurity that we feel unlovable, which leads to more imbalanced relationships, which leads to more self doubt and insecurity.... a vicious cycle.

Apparently, I'm currently dealing with some insecurity.  Wow.  How did I miss that?

I've found that it's not uncommon among us "healers" and "counselors" to be very empathetic and intuitive when it comes to other people's hurts, hang-ups, and inner struggles, and yet our own inner reflection can sometimes be lacking or we may miss some big clues that we should be tuning in to when something in our lives is off course or out of sync.  I guess that's ironic, but it's true.

So, I think this is going to be a good book for me.  I'll keep you posted.
If you've read it, I'd love to hear your feedback in the mean time.

♥

thank you

I get up in the middle of the night to thank you;
your decisions are so right, so true—I can't wait till morning!
I'm a friend and companion of all who fear you,
of those committed to living by your rules.
Your love, God, fills the earth!
Train me to live by your counsel.

(roughly, Psalm 119:63-64, the Message)

yellow roses = yes

sometimes God answers prayers in unusual ways.

it occurred to me this morning that i have been allowing myself to become so stressed that i have stopped doing many of the things i enjoy, including napping, crafting, and blogging. i should explain that i have had such a rough work experience lately that it's been hard to think about or do much else.

however, because i am not a robot, and because i am a woman, this all work and no play job is not working out for me - which is actually been common knowledge for some time now, but i've spent months deliberating and berating myself for not being good enough, trying hard enough, being organized enough - you know the drill! - i've been trying to fit a square peg in a round hole - it's. just. not. working. out.

my husband and i were able to visit his family in ohio during the first weekend in february, and i was able to "compartmentalize" my life for that short period of time and focus on enjoying mundane activities and not allowing myself to become anxious about my job. i spent quite a bit of time in prayer that weekend, not that i hadn't been praying about it before, but i was able to really focus and spend some time there - and i literally begged for God to give me a way out.

four days later, on a particularly bad day of work, i received a job offer which i already knew i wanted to accept. i'm returning to my former employer, starting tomorrow, and will ease back into the swing of things while simultaneously stepping out of my current job... i gave them notice today.

i still have anxiety about some small things, like paying the bills ;) but... it's not eating me alive like this other anxiety has been, and i know in my heart of hearts that God has provided and will provide and i will continue to thank Him and praise Him for His provision and that He is taking care of the small stuff and the big stuff, too, because i can't do it without Him.

here we are now, entertain us

i have this theory that people probably start blogs about the same way that they get into a swimming pool. you have the person who slowly ventures into the pool, watching their step and giving themselves time to adjust to the water temperature and, on the other extreme, of course, is the individual who saunters up to the diving board and jumps right in.
generally speaking, i tend to be a diving board girl myself.

with that being said, i have nothing charming or elusive to share at this moment.
i'm like a mockingbird (which incidentally was a name i considered incorporating into this blog.)
so for now, i'll share a quote by Marcel Proust, which has become a sort of truth to me as of late;

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."

in my new job, where most of the employees have been there for 10+ years, i am continually being told, "if you see something that doesn't seem quite right to you, please share it with us - you have new eyes." well, isn't that just a strange saying? my eyeballs are just as young as i am, thank you very much... but, you get the point - as do i. the thing that i love so much about life is this continual conversation that we are having, a conversation that has preceded us and will succeed us all, in which we can share our "new" eyes - our individual view of the world around us. and well, i suppose that's why i'm here, now... sharing this thought with you. maybe in time, you will share your thoughts with me, as well.