a big year

Everyone has a year that feels "bigger" and more important than other years.
The first year that you're old enough to go to overnight camp. The year that you started dating and got your drivers license.  The year that you got married, or had a baby, or bought a house.

This is a big year for me because it is a decade marker for some significant events in my life.
Highschool graduation.  My first date with Matt.  Freshman year of college.  The loss of my dad.

Lately I've found myself thinking a lot about 2001 and the events of that year, and the things that I carry with me from that time in my life.  Some things I'm ready to let go of, while others I'm beginning to cherish in new ways.  I want to write about these "10 year memories" but haven't been sure where to start.  Until today.

Maybe it's because my K-12 grade music and piano teacher recently passed away, leading me to take note of just how important music has been in my life (and how I owe much of that to her,) but I've really been thinking lately about how different songs have shaped me, and I realize that, like many people, I have soundtracks for various stages of my life.  What better way to revisit these ten year memories than with a visit back in time, to my 2001 soundtrack?

I won't be posting songs in chronological order, as with any soundtrack, I'll need to balance heavy and light... but we'll start off with something good, pure, and worth holding on to...

Frail - by - Jars of Clay

Many people love this song, and there's no doubt why.  The haunting melody, the beautiful instrumental intro, the painfully honest lyrics.  I hear this song and I'm transported back to the summer of 2001, listening to this song with Matt, reading the lyrics, finding myself in the middle of it all.

"Convinced of my deception, I've always been a fool. 

I fear this love reaction just like you said I would.

A rose could never lie about the love it brings,

And I could never promise to be any of those things.

If I was not so weak.

If I was not so cold.

If I was not so scared of being broken growing old

I would be...

Blessed are the shallow - depth they'll never find.

Seemed to be some comfort in rooms I try to hide.

Exposed beyond the shadows, You take the cup from me.

Your dirt removes my blindness. Your pain becomes my peace.

If I was not so weak.

If I was not so cold.

If I was not so scared of being broken growing old

I would be ... frail. "

You see, the truth is that I was frail... and broken... and weak.
I had been hurt, I had hurt others, and I was hurting.

Hurt: same story you've heard a thousand times - dated the wrong guy for too long, something happens and you realize what an idiot you've been while the rest of your friends and family stand by sympathetically (or waving big "I told you so" banners - I got a little of both.)

Hurt others: (see above)

Hurting: By the end of May 2001, my dad's cancer had gone from being in remission to terminal in a matter of months.... and my world felt like it was falling apart.

I would like to tell you that everything worked out quickly and that this song was a big turning point for me, but life doesn't really work like that.

The truth is that my life is even better now than I'd hoped it could be in 2001, but it's been a long journey.

The reason that this song is a keeper for me is because it signifies a time when I was a broken mess of a person and God broke through my darkness to show me his love... through a song that put to words just how I felt, through an understanding and sympathetic friend who didn't know what he was getting himself into, and through a season of being broken and being made new.

listen up

"Foot in Mouth Disease" is how I'm feeling today.  I spoke up when I should have kept my mouth shut and I said too much when I should have been listening.  Isn't it amazing how powerful words can be?



Think about a time when you put your foot in your mouth - you said too much - you saw that line that said do not cross and you just went right past it.  How long did that moment haunt you?  If you can still remember it now, which I think most people can remember at least one instance, that speaks to the power of your words to be a blessing or a curse - to others, yes, but also to yourself.

Think about a time when you held your tongue.  You knew exactly what you wanted to say and you didn't say it, you just kept it to yourself.  Can you remember?  For me, those moments are much more difficult to remember.  I think that, probably, most things I felt compelled to say in the moment and refrained were probably not as important as they felt at the time.

Last situation on my mind today - Think about a time when you didn't have the right words until, oh, about 30 seconds after you needed them.  Someone chews you out and you don't have the words to defend yourself or to tell them what a loser they are.  After the fact, you can think of a million smart things to say to them... but it's too late.  I think those moments are blessings.  I remember far more instances in which I said the witty thing in the moment and regretted it than instances in which I didn't know what to say till after the fact.

My mom always said that running your mouth is like taking a feather pillow, going to your roof, and pouring the feathers out, setting them free to fall where they will.  Try as you might, you will never get all of the feathers gathered up again.  That pillow will never be the same.  Likewise, a word that is spoken in anger or out of turn is something that you can never take back.  You can apologize, and sometimes you can find a way to move past those foolish words - but you can't take them back.

Hopefully my "Foot in Mouth Disease" will pass soon.  I think I've learned my lesson.

♥

animals are so cool...

so you think you can't dance??