interpretive dance

this morning, i've been thinking about previous entries in my other blogs that i would like to share in this blog. i'm not sure now if i will back-date them or if i will just reference them as i am doing in this entry. however, for now, here's an entry from february 2, 2007.

so the snow outside isn't much, but it's something,
and the sky is beautiful tonight - it's almost a baby blue with the moon so bright.

i've thought a lot lately about high school,
and how i would have done things differently.
leah and i were talking about this the other day - how we wish we could go back to kindergarten, knowing then what we know now.
we'd be like, "okay, mom, i need to join an after-school play group that involves interpretive dance because that is my DREAM!!!"
only, take out "interpretive dance" and add (insert your dream here).

emily's poignant monologue at the end of Our Town asks, "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?"
and it's a noble goal to realize life as you live it - to not take the people and the things in your life for granted.
however, on the flip side, i'm living proof that if you get too caught up in the intricacies of the moment,
you may find yourself paralyzed by fear of moving on - of taking that next step, whatever it may be,
for fear of taking your life in an unalterable direction that you will later realize was never the correct direction for you.
you will look back at that exact moment when you made the decision and say,
"that's it! that is where i messed everything up!" and by then you will be too late.
and i think these things.
and i believe these things, i know, because my actions give me away. my inactions.
but in my heart of hearts.... deep down inside my soul, i know that this is not the truth. the subtle complexities of one's life path do not damn you to a life you accidentally choose. and we are not so powerful in the first place - us with our big plans and intentions.
and the truth is that the decision isn't what really matters sometimes.
sometimes it is the decision-making that really counts.

i heard the song "what if" by coldplay for the first time last night.
the character in the song, i believe, is speaking to his child, telling her how afraid he is of making the wrong decisions as a parent.
afraid that he'll make mistakes and they will be such that her life will be forever altered, he will always be remembered by her as the one:
the reason why everything is so messed up. he worries she won't want to speak to him or be near him when she is grown. however, in the end, he decides that yes, maybe that is so, but these decisions must still be made. these risks are still worth taking. to quote the song, "every step that you take could be your biggest mistake. it could bend or it could break, but that's the risk that you take."

i'm not referencing children in my personal application of this song, not for me anyway, i just think it speaks to the very heart of us - each of us, in our own way, has a decision to make... we are young, and we find ourselves all too often at yet another crossroads, and it seems so monumental - so life or death, and sometimes it is. let's have the courage to make decisions anyway, to own the moment. or, to paraphrase from "the holiday", to be the leading lady in our life movie, as opposed to being the supporting "frumpy best friend".

courage, girls!